you guys were way drunker than both of me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
