I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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