Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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