nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
