Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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