we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
