It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
