My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
please don't ironically join a cult
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