This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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