sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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