Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
