It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
