a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
