Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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