He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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