Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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