Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
