Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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