i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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