I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
