My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
