I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
