I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
