apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
