I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me