I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!