I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
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He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is