he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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