pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
