Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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