Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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