Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
