I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
