Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
