my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
3pm strippers are depressing
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
