Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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