I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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