the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
