just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
