She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
