woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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