Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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