I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
