why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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