I met the friendliest cop last night
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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