Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
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