i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
