it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The air was thick with penises
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
