i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My pussy is not your playground.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
