I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
