Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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