his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
