Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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