tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
