Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
