Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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